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Good morning, and welcome to the Citizen K Likes This Award for the 2007 NFL season. For the uninitiated, this is a almost-weekly column of things Citizen K liked about the most recent game played by the Seahawks, written in third person with a high level of tongue-in-cheekiness, a smattering of clever nicknames, arcane similies, highbrow references, and the imminent potential for covert vulgarity. This will be the third--(and hopefully best)--season for which Citizen K has distributed his Awards, formerly found on the newly-schizophrenic 12SeahawksStreet. To that end, Citizen K has carved his WSU distance course load in half, to one lonely class, that he might be able to more fully concentrate on the Seahawks; (priorities, priorities...) On with the Awards!
Like a careful auto mechanic, Citizen K likes easing in the starters. Against San Diego this was accomplished with bountiful success. Hasselbeck looks ready to start the season. The starting offense smoothly guzzled yardage like high-grade coke up the nostrils of Lindsay Lohan. Then, again like LiLo, they scored, and subsequently were done for the day. Luckily for all Seahawk fans, that's where the similarity ends; (now that Jerramy Stevens has left the team, that is...)
Citizen K absolutely loves the obvious being stated, and therefore was greatly anticipating the salient stylings of one "Johan Maddner" (his Atlanta STD clinic alter ego.) However, Madden was apparently also easing into the season, for he provided little in the way of his characteristic "it's called a pass play 'cause the quarterback passed the ball"-type statements. In fact, to the contrary, Madden actually had some rather perceptive comments on the team, including:
• The Seahawks are one of the top three teams in the NFC, possibly the best one.
• There's a strong possibility Leonard "Mr. Versatility" Weaver will unseat Mack Strong as starting FB.
• The defensive ends are not set--Sackmaster Tapp might beat out Admiral Fisher as starter.
Very impressive 2007 debut by Madden!
Citizen K likes the cinematic classic, Home Alone. Thus, he was quite gratified to find out its pint-sized star, Macauley Culkin, is apparently on the rebound from his recent substance-addled existence, and is emerging as an NFL kicker with the alias "Nate Kaeding." He's even abandoned the sluglike indigo bags beneath his eyes! Go Mac!
Citizen K likes the Seahawks receiving corps. Deion "D-Jack Who?" Branch made a sweet TD catch in traffic on a pinpoint huck by Matt "Hasselback" (why, oh why, Al Michaels, can you never pronounce his name correctly?!) D.J. "DJ Hackett" Hackett and Nate "Next Door Na-Bur" Burleson were hardly present, though Hackett did make a nice recovery to run back and tackle a Charger who picked off Wallace after practically KobeBryanting him (Hackett) to get the ball. The big surprise--replacing Hackett as Citizen K's Favorite Up & Coming Receiver™--was Ben Obomanu. From the moment he entered the game he was all over the field making plays--especially in the Hawks' first drive of the fourth quarter--including a Spiderman-esque one-handing of the ball for an amazing TD snag on that drive. Citizen K likes Bobby Engram and Burleson, but one of their jobs is definitely in jeopardy for next season. It's awesome to think that if another untimely injury occurs amongst the receivers, Obomanu is waiting in the wings like John Wilkes Booth, ready to cap Lincoln's ass (err, make catches in NFL games, as the case may more accurately be.)
Citizen K likes incredible coincidences... Citizen K's wife and offspring were returning from a trip to Seattle while he watched the game, so he was free to relax in the living room with a celebratory glass of Merlot. Inevitable maneuver: wine gets knocked over, flooding new living room carpet. Incredible coincidence: ever the obliging housemate, Citizen K had been folding towels between plays. Within three seconds: Wine glass righted, towels grabbed, puddle sopped, rug (and Citizen K) saved. Astonishing. Citizen K liked that, a lot.
Citizen K must have old-West cow thieves in his lineage, because he absolutely loves rustling. No, not "Ruskell"--(whom Branch was touting to Andrea Kramer while at the same time subtly throwing D-Jack and Stevens under the bus,) or "hustling"--(which Patrick "Wistrom Jr." Kerney did a whole lot of,) or even "bustling"--(though 19th century hotties with falsified 50" hips are strangely compelling indeed,) but "rustling"--as in the dry swish of cheerleaders' pom-poms. Citizen K had the surround sound jacked up for the game, and every time the Charger Cheapos (or whatever their crew is called) were shown at chest-up close-up, the festive noise of their poms was overbearingly audible. Perhaps NBC is attempting to keep up with Fox's many broadcast innovations--(albeit, thankfully not that mind-numbing dancing/flexing animated robot)--by installing microphones in new strategic locations, allowing home viewers the pleasure of hearing stadium sounds they had never previously been privy to. Along with placing mics in the cheerleaders' poms, Citizen K would like to have them implanted in: the end zone pylons (for fascinating "thwack" sounds,) certain hot-dog warming machines, the Back Judge's penalty flag, restroom hand-dryers, an infant fan's pacifier, the centers' butt-cracks (to better hear the QB; assorted collateral disquietude can be edited out on-the-fly,) and, best of all, in the cheerleaders' bras, where the Flipperish squeakings of shifting silicone could provide a soothing rhythmic counterpoint to the savage action on the field. Make it happen, NBC!
As is (possibly) the case for Ricky Martin, adequate protection is a must for the Seahawks to succeed in the field. On Sunday they got this in droves. In Hasselbeck's series the starting line was almost perfect, allowing him time to find the receivers and opening big holes for the runs. When Seneca came in, so did some backups, yet the pocket still managed to allow him to emerge virtually unscathed. Great game by the entire line crew. On the other hand, San Diego's line was, like Paris Hilton, repeatedly penetrated through all available gaps by the Seahawks defense. Several huge blasts were laid upon Charger QBs by onrushing, virtually untouched Hawks, especially Leroy "2-Sacks In 2006" Hill and Darryl "On" Tapp.
This is getting long, and Citizen K's training-camp fingers are growing weary from the task, so he'll try to wrap it up. Additional Likes go out to: the D-line, Weeks, the backup linebackers, Morris, Jew-Peat, Josh "Holmgren Couldn't Remember My Name In His Interview" Wilson, Trufant, and Plackemeier.
It's customary for Citizen K to end the Awards with a few anagrams of players' names, but he's too lazy to do that for this initial offering. Perhaps next week.
[Comments taken in SeahawkBlue Forums]