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By Citizen K
Citizen K apologizes in advance for the relatively low quality of this post. He has been ill, and his mind is working as well as the Seahawks’ offensive schemes against the Packers…
The Grilling in Green Bay was over as soon as the Seattle offense took the field, lacking both its top two players and its bookend starting offensive linemen. The results were unfortunately predictable, and the Seahawks’ soon punitive transportation, at the hands of the Packers, to the region colloquially identified as “the woodshed” was rapid and thorough. Citizen K cannot remember the last Seahawks game about which, on the surface anyhow, it was so difficult to discern any inkling of goodness. Citizen K will try to find something to like, which is hard because his prevailing opinion is that he made a huge mistake in spending three hours of an otherwise perfectly good Saturday evening witnessing the worst performance on grass since Up In Smoke VIII — “Gateway to Ganja” (sample dialogue: Cheech: “Man, Tom, I am sure high!” Chong: sits on sofa with glazed eyes, mouthing “you said it, man”—except no sound comes out.) (Actually, the latter is a pretty fair depiction of how Citizen K likely appeared while watching this “game.”)
Citizen K likes it when the Seahawks are able to conceal their weaknesses. Sometimes they’re successful—like when they used Pete Hunter in the 2006-’07 playoffs and actually beat the Dallas “Fo’ Reals, We Won The Super Bowl a Couple Times” Cowboys with him out there. Usually, however, this type of attempted deception meets with as much eventual success as did the Versailles Treaty in preventing future war in Europe. Against the Packers, their weaknesses were exposed from their first drive on offense:
• 1s & 10. Weakness—little depth at QB (pun oh so intended.) 3 WR set, Deion Branch is as wide open as Britney with the gay guy in the hot tub. Wallace tries to hit him, but ball is typically tipped at the line.
• 2nd & 10. Weakness—halfback has metal mitts. Wallace throws a suprisingly great pass on an out to Alexander, hitting him directly in his weak spot—his hands. He typically drops it.
• 3rd & 10. Weakness—no true backups at offensive tackle. As Wallace drops back to throw, Tom Ashworth is beaten more completely than was Voltaire by the chevalier de Rohan’s hired thugs. Wallace is sacked, providing a fitting consummation to an abortive drive by the visitors. August 18 is the apparent new Groundhog Day, as this pathetic event repeated itself numerous times thereafter. Citizen K likes good offensive line play—such as the brand the Hawks pulled off last week in San Diego—but he came away from this game with the same mindset as an attendee of a Spice Girls reunion tour concert or an American discussing Congress: “they’re still wearing the uniforms, and are moving around rapidly, but I can’t really tell if they’re doing anything useful or not!”
(And stick a fork in Ashworth—he’s farking done.)
Late in the game Verne Lundquist stated, “well, if you like Lambeau Leaps and turnovers, this is your night.” Thus, this was obviously not a Hawk fan’s night. Citizen K likes Seahawk football, especially when it’s fast, smart, and penalty-free. Thus he pretty much did not like anything about the game, especially the penalty part. Unlike undeported illegal immigrants in the United States, the vast majority of the Seahawk kick and punt returns were actually called back because of their unlawfulness. This was a 1918 Global Influenza-level pandemic amongst the special teamers, and very unappreciated by viewers such as Citizen K. Every single return of any merit, including a couple by new CitK faves Ben “D-Jack Was Too Short And Always Injured And What’s More, He Dove Backwards” Obomanu and Josh “Plankton” Wilson was called back. This rash of felonious behavior might be explained by team’s proximity to Mark “Seriously, Officer, How Could She Only Be 15 With Big Ol’ Titties Like That?” Chmura’s old stomping grounds. In any case, the unit appeared more “special” than Special, and has a lot of work to do.
Enough negativity!-—Citizen K loves takeaways by the defense, and this game was awash in them. The fact that they were against the Seahawks, though, tarnishes their remarkableness to some degree. In fact, Citizen K would prefer that his favorite team refrain from such benevolent behavior, so reminiscent of France in its “defense” against German advances in 1940. Finally free of the “we take it then give it right back on the next play” see-saw that characterized the first preseason game in San Diego, the Seattle offense was given the opportunity to turn over a new leaf. Unfortunately, that “new leaf” was almost as ineffective its scion, though, impressively, the Hawks were this time able to stumble through as many as two or three offensive plays before coughing up the ball, (in large part due to the poignant “gay old man character on The Family Guy” effort on the part of Tom “Gay Old Man Character on The Seahawks” Ashworth.) Citizen K is gratified both that Jones is already signed long-term and that Locklear is still a relatively unproven commodity, as otherwise this game would’ve driven up their potential salaries by at least $3 million apiece. Boo, backups—woot, starters!
That being said, Citizen K grooved on the sole offensive play that was any good by the Seahawks, the touchdown run by Maurice “2008 AF2 MVP” Morris. On that effort, Leonard “One Successful Stiff-Arm So Far, And Counting” Weaver made a Mack Strong-caliber lead block, taking out a linebacker as well as a lineman, and springing “MauMo” for the uncontested score. The play was “sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb” (Psalm. 19:10) but sadly was basically the only highlight on the night for the Hawks.
Citizen K Liked: Baraka, Tapp, the “Demonic Duo” of Trufant & Jennings, Josh Brown, “The Obelisks” Spencer & Sims,, “Mau-Mo,” the return team, and resting the starters—(never to early to get ready for a Super Bowl run.)
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