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By albaNY Hawker
This isn't a comparison of Superbowl quarterbacks Matt and Neil, but rather a tale of the tape to determine who would win the battle had push really come to shove between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck on the View.
And unlike comparing great athletes from different sports or different eras, there isn't much physical or statistical data on either of these women, so we're going to have to do our best using their Wikipedia profiles and some good imagination.
So if someone would please "ring the bell you pansy" we'll get right to the ABC Battle of the Network Stars:
Round 1: AGE
Hasselbeck: Born: May 28, 1977 (30)
O'Donnell: Born: March 21, 1962 (45)
While Rosie's profession as a stand-up comedian, not to mention her off the wall political views, has probably toughened her up to take a punch, you just can't discount youth, especially if the match goes the distance.
Round 2: HEIGHT/WEIGHT
Hasselbeck: Unknown, but ideal!
O'Donnell: Unknown, but ideal for a defensive tackle
Round 3 - HOMETOWN
Hasselbeck: Cranston, RI
O'Donnell: Bayside, Queens
At first glance, you might be tempted to give the native NYer the edge over the blue-blood from the yacht club, but not so fast. After all, Rosie's from Queens, which isn't exactly the Bronx, and both areas are noted hotbeds for organized crime.
Round 4 - COLLEGE
Hasselbeck: Boston College
Hasselbeck attended a school which is noteworthy for being a powerhouse in major sports over the years, herself captaining the softball team for two seasons. O'Donnell's school sounds like two things she wish she had.
Round 5 - WHERE THEY GOT THEIR START
O'Donnell: Star Search
Let's see, Elisabeth's claim to fame is finishing fourth in a brutal contest of mental toughness, physical strength, shrewd negotiations, and endurance, all while wearing a bikini. Rosie hung with Ed McMahon and Dick Clark swilling beers and lighting farts.
Round 6 - LIFESTYLE
Hasselbeck: Conservative working mother, with another on the way
O'Donnell: Liberal lesbian in a common law union with three children
While most men hear "lesbian" and immediately think of their favorite Penthouse pictorial on the subject, the stark truth is that Rosie is more of a poster girl for the lifestyle than Miss August. And while Mrs. Hasselbeck is certainly deliciously attractive, those conservative views would certainly keep her from ever engaging in something so torrid as an extramarital affair, or at least prevent her from enjoying it if she did!
Round 7 - CORNER MAN
Hasselbeck: Husband Tim, Father-in-Law Don and/or Brother-in-Law Matt
O'Donnell: The flaming pianist from her other talk show, Jon Stewart and/or Al Franken
Let's see, three professional athletes with NFL experience versus two Jews and a gay guy? Hmmmm...this one is tough.
Round 8 - INTAGIBLES
Hasselbeck: Makes us horny
O'Donnell: Makes us laugh (some WITH her, some AT her)
So you see that even though Rosie may seem like one of Mike Vick's pit bulls going up against Lady from the Disney movies, our fair young Ms. Hasselbeck has more than enough going her way to give that loud-mouthed dyke the bitch-slapping she so richly deserves!
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