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By Citizen K
Living a few miles from the Washington State Penitentiary, Citizen K naturally likes seeing things well executed. It’s actually been a couple years since Walla Walla residents have been treated to an episode of Ye Merrie Grainfield Hanging, but as far as Citizen K is concerned, the Seahawks punished the Vikings capitally Saturday night.
Like the villain in Candyman, this game was a mirror image of last week’s drubbing in Green Bay; the Packers were portrayed by the Seahawks, while the role of hapless patsy was filled by the Vikings. Citizen K likes the action of catharsis, (though he rather dislikes the word itself,) and Saturday’s game was quite effective in that regard. It purged from Seahawk fans’ short-term memory both the aforementioned big dump the Hawks excreted in GB, and the ridiculous ending to a frustrating game against Minnesota last season. Citizen K likes (as in detests) old clichéd phrases like “revenge is a dish best served cold,” though Matt “hew” Hasselbeck apparently lives by this precept. In response to Henderson’s taking out his knee last year Matt—in this game—did: absolutely nothing. However, Citizen K has a sneaking suspicion that the next time these two teams match up there is going to be a certain Viking defender making his way off the field flat on his back, hovering a yard above the grass on a peculiar flying carpet known as a “stretcher,” his knee inexplicably throbbing and sporting cleat marks that mysteriously match those beneath a pair of Hassel-hooves. How did this happen? No one will ever know.
Like the manager of a car radio retail/installation franchise, Citizen K expects success with the receivers. It could be said that sales figures for Saturday’s game overflowed expectations in that regard. With apologies to one-time Seahawk wideout Louis Clark, Citizen K believes this year’s receiving crew should be known as the “Corps of Uncovery” (as in, they can’t be covered.) Almost every successful drive by the Hawks contained at least one long, and/or clutch, pass play, which warmed the cockles of Citizen K’s heart, (though thankfully stopping short of raising the temperature of the hearts of his cockle…) Citizen K especially liked the receiving efforts of: Engram, Branch, and Obomanu, the first of whom looks as prescient as ever with his routes, the middle of whom, if nothing else, has natty gloves, and the latter of whom is going to be amazing soon.
France’s Marie-Therese might have believed the Seahawks are able to subsist on lesser fare—(“let them eat cake!”)—but in reality their eventual success will be reaped more by a diet consisting more of turnovers than any other type of flour-based dessert product. The Seahawks Saturday were the apple of Citizen K’s eye, as they picked up one more turnover than the Vikings. In this game, unlike last week, the Seahawks won the Battle of the Turnovers, (also the probable title of the sequel to Dr. Seuss’s Cold War classic, the “Butter Battle Book.”) Minnesota came out on offense looking like Crispin Glover on Letterman—nervous, unprepared, and tripping balls. Like a virginal teenage boy contending with a bra while going for third base, the Vikings fumbled the first snap. The Seahawks then, like said innocent lad’s experienced older brother, rapidly took over the task and eventually scored, knocking a long one through the coltish uprights. As Colin Cowherd has pointed out, the teams that win the turnover tally are generally the top teams in the league. Citizen K likes laughing at Colin Cowherd for some of the garbage he’s uttered, but he thinks Cowherd has a point there.
Like a car in need of a ring and valve repair, Seahawk defensive backs were knocking all over the place against the Vikings. For his effort Citizen K liked Deon “The Great Communicator” Grant, whose omnipresence was downright Peterson-esque, and who, like Jimmy Page, laid down a couple mean licks; (though, dissimilarly, he did not suffer a “communication breakdown.”) Citizen K’s greatest Defensive like of the night, though, would have to be Marcus “Cougar Pride” Trufant, who—like Lindsay Lohan—knocked down a couple, traveled everywhere at top speed, and banged hard into things all night long. Citizen K anticipates a Rosie O’Donnell-sized season by this soon-to-be free agent, until teams wise up and stop throwing his way. Citizen K also liked the efforts of Plankton Wilson and Kevin “Calvin” Hobbs, the former of whom forced the Vikings to settle for a FG late in the first half with a timely knockdown, and the latter of whom made a huge play that totally Men-In-Blacked Citizen K’s memory of last year’s 95 yard freakshow run by Chester “Bo Jackson” Taylor, (during which, as the always erudite Steve Raible noted, “I just about swallowed my Adam’s apple!” Ha ha! Funny stuff, Johnny Carson,) with a sweet interception and return 39 yards for the score to seal the evening’s fun.
Like the WWE remake of the ‘90s transvestite classic, Citizen K loves a good “Kicking Game.” Josh “The 30 Year Old Virgin” Brown showed he’s already in midseason form; he deftly deposited several field goals and extra points between the bars like a Cuban prison guard dispensing a meager lunch of rice and grubs to his collection of activists.
Citizen K, as polar opposite of the brewmaster of Weinhard’s Private Reserve, values consistency. In the case of the Seahawks’ offense, this means Mack Strong is starting at fullback, and that Shaun Alexander is running the ball well behind him. Given Stiffarm Weaver’s mess of mistakes against the Packers, Mack could reclaim his starting role with a good game against the Vikes. Citizen K thinks he did. Like a female discoer at the Roxbury he fielded numerous passes, but unlike the brothers Butabi he converted most of them. Shaun “Glass Slippers, Iron Hands” Alexander finally had his first good “vintage 2005” run of the preseason, and also converted a score, though he still sounded a little tentative. (We hope that, like a deer hunter’s million-candlepower spotlight, perhaps he’ll “turn it on in the season.”) In any case, Mack opening pre-stomach-stapling Star-Jones-sized holes for Shaun is a proven recipe for success for the Hawks, and it’s nice to see the rushing contraption assembled and once again operative.
Like uncommonly patient employees at Wal-Mart’s Customer Service, Citizen K loves multiple long returns. Ben Obomanu served as the dissatisfied fabric customer Saturday night, claiming a couple kicks “just didn’t fit right,” and returning them—exchanging them for much longer yardage. In Oboe, Plankton, Na-Bur and Apple Juice (Seneca) the Seahawks have a quartet of potentially outstanding return guys. To help their cause against the Vikings the Seahawk blocking wizards cast a spell of protection around their returners, which was performed with Nadia Comaneci-like poise and perfection. Fans of penalties went home disappointed, as the Seahawks special teams were squeaky, Alex P. Keaton—Rudi Huxtable—clean.
Citizen K likes the Seahawks’ offensive line, the “Life Insurance Salesmen,” whose “long-range passing protection coverage” enabled several big gains by the offense. They opened more holes than mine rescue teams in Utah, (and were 100% more successful, as well.) Their cohesion, like Monica Lewinsky’s technique after completing her term as Presidential aide, was much improved.
Mewelde Moore (AKA the guy with the dumbest name in the NFL): Remodel Me Owe, Mole Deer Meow, Moor Eel Mewed, More Weed Mole
Bennie Joppru: Up Inborn Jeep, Peon Prune Jib, Rejoin Pub Pen
Seneca Wallace: Cancel Seal Awe, Wee Canal Scale, Cancel Ease Law
Ryan Longwell: Well Nylon Rag, Now Rally Glen, Nary Well Long
Tarvaris Jackson: Caviar Knots Jars, Jots Irk Caravans, Victor Sank Rajas, Java Can Irks Rots
Maurice Morris: Racism Our Mire, Immure Corsair, Rare Sour Mimic, Smarmier Curio, Racier Sumo Rim, Mi Mirror Sauce, Rim Curious REM, Mimic Us Roarer, Mice Air Rumors, Mom Curries Air, Music Ire Armor, Rim Of Sumac Ire